A Dream

A tidal wave was coming

And we were climbing up, up, up

To a safe spot so high.

We reached the top

Heaving, sighing in hoped relief

But scared of what was to come.

And then an angry man

Jumped by, with a scowl on his face

And shot three times.

My arm, my shoulder, my chest.

So close to my heart.

I knew what it was

I thought I could feel it

But I tried so hard not to believe it.

You both were fine

Concerned with the wave of water

That would destroy the town.

But I could even put my jacket on

I couldn't even stand up straight

I couldn't even breath without coughing up my body's own blood.

No one was coming.

We were walking,

But I was staggering.

I remember the wave came

It was so big, too big

Creaking down upon our heads.

It crashed

It sucked

It washed

Everything, everyone away.

I was alone

On the top of the world

Way high up, up, up

Dying.

True Motive

I feel like writing
But what to say
Whattosaywhattotsaywhattosay.
How does one convey their emotions
Their thoughts
Their life
So that the other can try to understand them?
Howhowhowhowhow?
I have all these syllables stuck in my mouth
Dry, unmoving, static as cotton
Suffocating, downing, oppressing
My tongue's true motive:
To speak the truth.

Like the Sun

The silence is like the sun

I point my face towards it

Close my eyes, soak in its beauty.

It is like the mountain's fresh air

Settling around the room

I take off my mask and breathe.

It is like the ocean waves

Crashing into my soul

I let it send me out to Freedom.

It is like the smell of a book, the touch of a hug, the feel of the wind

Mock your defeat and watching you go.

Candy

I chant it back and forth

Memorizing the formations of my lips

The clicks of my tongue

I let the words settle in my mouth

Like the sweetest of sweets

Coating, comforting

I swirl it over and over

Sure to get every last ounce

Of truth out of it

Before I swallow

And let it become a part of me.

The words will comfort me

The words will save me

The words will find me

In my hole, in my heart.

I tell myself these things

Coating, comforting

I tell myself these things.

They wash over me

Like the warmest of seas

And I will try to wholly believe.

Still Running

I am lost and so confused

Wanting too much to be amused

Stretched too thin

These thoughts begin

And I am still running

Still running

It's dark outside and I'm still awake

Wanting never these decisions to make

Begging to be more

Changed at the core

I am still running

Still running

The ocean crashes on my fate

I'm so afraid I'm too late

To ever become

Not so numb

I am still running

Still running

I am still running

Running from who I was

I am still running

Running in this lost direction

I am still running

Running to you, to you, to you

Build me a home

In your arms

The only place I've ever known

For I am still running

Running to You.

Dreams

Bones in the top of your foot

Cast shadows on a face

Crunching of a windpipe

Suffocating.

Music rolling on a broken player

'Round and 'round, repeating and scratching

Silent.

Knife digging deep in the calf

Thick, black liquid oozing forth

Pain.

And I Don't Remember

The rain falls in slow motion

Glowing in the lamplight

Hovering above our faces

The snow melts from the mountain

Flowing down the hillside

Crashing around our bodies

The ocean surges bright
Pulsing with its heartbeat
Floating around our souls

I go back to the beginning

Back to the day we first met

And I don't remember.

Virgina

She strapped them in

Buckled them tight

They hung limp in the straps

Already waning in the morning light.

She drove to the bridge

Over water ran cold

She put the brick down

With no desire to be bold.

It went over

Making a grotesque crash

Sinking to the black bottom

Her babies fate a final dash.

"Where the Sidewalk Ends" by Shel Silverstein

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.

Maybe I Should Read a Book

Maybe I should take some time

To just be by myself.

Maybe I should take a moment

To try to find myself.

Maybe I should take awhile

To truly understand myself.

Limp into the alcove

Sit in the waning light

Fire lit, covers pulled

And read a happy ending.

Moonlight Sonata

You float through heather fields

Under the moonlit sky

Dancing with the wind

And praying to the stars

Up so high.

Wet grass and damp dirt

Stain your bare toes

And dragging hem

And remind you of a place called

Home.

"Ode to Joy" plays softly around you

A hush in the breeze

As you open your arms

And accept the lonely night.

You float through heather fields

And nothing can touch you.

Bubbles

He dunked his head under

Finally able to breathe

He took a gulp

Or a breath

And that long lost smile was returned

To it's rightful owner.

Complete.

5 O'Clock News

I cried for the man

Who was killed abroad

In a war that was not his.

I cried for the toddler

Who was found face down

In the family pool.

I cried for the mom

Who was staying clean

In the fight for her children.

I turned off the news

And set the remote down

And walked out of the room.

By Maya Angelou

I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear

I rise

Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear

I rise.

Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls

Another great song

"And I'd give up forever to touch you

'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am"

Again by Flyleaf

One of my favorite songs

"I love the way that your heart breaks

With every injustice and deadly fate
Praying it all be new
And living like it all depends on you

Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
And only surrender will help you now
I love you, please see and believe again

I love that you're never satisfied
With face value, wisdom, and happy lies
You take what they say and go back and cry
You're so close to me that you nearly died

Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
And only surrender will help you now
I love you, please see and believe again

They don't have to understand you
Be still
Wait and know I understand you
Be still, be still

Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
And only surrender will help you now
The floodgates are breaking and pouring out

Here you are down on your knees
Trying to find air to breathe
Right where I want you to be again
I love you, please see and believe again

Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
Right where I want you to be again
See and believe"

Snuff by Slipnot

"Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again

So if you love me let me go
And run away before I know
My heart is just too dark to care
I can't destroy what isn't there

Deliver me into my fate
If I'm alone I cannot hate
I don't deserve to have you
Ooh, my smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know

I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn't face a life without your lights
But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight

So save your breath, I will not care
I think I made it very clear
You couldn't hate enough to love
Is that supposed to be enough?

I only wish you weren't my friend
Then I could hurt you in the end
I never claimed to be a saint
Ooh, my own was banished long ago
It took the death of hope to let you go

So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself

And I won't listen to your shame
You ran away, you're all the same
Angels lie to keep control
Ooh, my love was punished long ago
If you still care don't ever let me know
If you still care don't ever let me know"

Castle Crags

Yesterday, mom and I hiked up to Castle Crags. It was a 6 mile round-trip trek, but worth it. It was so hot, and so steep, and I'm very proud of us accomplishing this goal of ours. On the way down, we took a side trail to Indian Springs, and drank water that gushed from the rocks. That was very cool too. It was a great day.

This morning when I woke up, I was so very sore.

You Won

Anger is you weapon
That hurts me the most.
Your silence is your canon
That strikes me at the core.
Your turned back is the wall
That is impenetrable.
Your closed eyes
Speak of my defeat.
It is over. This game is lost.
You won.

Life

http://www.scrapblog.com/viewer/viewer.aspx?sbid=2709915
<3

I'm Not Sure What's Happening With My Life. Oh Geeze.

Today:

Mom

Hair dye

Dinner

The Stirring

Roof

Winco

Quiet

Hopefully, sleep

I want to read a good book, though. Maybe, maybe.

Not Enough

Their words are a familiar to your ears,

But they are a balm to their hearts.

They flood in, thawing their souls, letting light consume.

But not you.

You have heard those words before.

They echo off the walls of your heart, reverberating nothing.

Silence.

And it grows empty inside.

You want to believe, be a part of the revolution.

You want it to devour you, leave you whole.

But doubt creeps in, and questions persist.

Who? Why? How?

Who, why, how, am I worth of such love?

You are not.

You are alone, an imposter in their castle.

Drenched in the sweat of dishonesty

And lies.

You are the killer among the leaves.

You are the murder among the thieves.

Leave.

A List of Totally Non-descriptive Words to Describe the Events of Today

Today, we did:

work

movie

candy

kill threats/attempts against me

6am

country music

dinosaur

Their Words

Their words are dancing around the edges

The edges of my molten volcano.

They tiptoe and flutter, never really feeling the scorching heat

Of what it is truly like living beside it, in it’s shadow.

They dance around it, trying, it’s true, to touch

And understand.

Their words are trying to be a balm,

To protect me from the burning, but it is coming through.

Their words, those words, these words,

Are there, hanging above our heads, hovering, vibrating,

Silent.

These people are talking, I’m sure, but they are silent.

They are silent and I am not listening.

Mystery

The ocean crashes over me

The ocean crashes on me

The ocean crashes through me

Tearing me apart

And pulling me in.

It has subdued the fire

Raging inside of me

It has quenched the thirst

That nothing else could slate.

It has opened my eyes

And my heart

It has saved me from destruction

And yet it has destroyed me

Completely, wholly, utterly

The ocean collides over me

The ocean collapses on me

The ocean crashes through me

And I am free.

What a Bummer

Once upon a time

There was a whale falling from the sky

It liked the rushing air much better

Then the salty wet water

And it preferred the now clean light

To the filtered green of eternal night

It even liked the view

Though that round thing was getting bigger

And it grew as the whale fell faster.

This whale had no words for

“Plummet,” or “ground,” or “splatter”

So it merely sang a song

Of how lucky it was to not be a frog

That is until the whale

Made a crater in the Earth

After it plummeted to the ground and quickly splattered

The last three words, though,

That ran through the whales

Walnut-sized mind:

“What a bummer.”

Honesty

She fell to the floor

Collapsed on her knees

Her body trembled

With the greatest of ease

Her hair hid her face

From the surrounding crowd

Her eyes were red

Speaking solely to the ground

It was gone and put away

Her dreams up on that shelf

Now shattered on the floor

Broken into splinters

Down she was, hopeless

The carpet indented her flesh

Making it raw and goaded

As she tried to clean up her mess

Into the trash

She swept up the fragments

She opened her hands

And let them go.

Opulent Somethings

What would it be like to be a Soul?

Would you know exactly what you are

And your purpose in Life?

Or would you wander in the deep recesses

Of Somewhere looking for Something?

Would you be a solid thing, thick like an elephant?

Or more opack, floating along like a jellyfish?

Would you see or hear or talk or feel?

Would you like to dance?

Or the smell of the rain?

What is a Soul, really?

Why do we have Souls?

Do we have Souls?

What, I wonder, would it be like.

One of Those Days

Today was one of the days

Where I just wanted to run

Run as fast as I could

Till I panted for breath

I wanted to run

Just to get away from here

I needed to run to know if I still could

Feel the wind whipping my hair

I had to run to feel the energy

Any energy at all, course through my body

Tensing my muscles, pushing my chest

Beating my heart

I had to run to escape this desolation

The overabundance of the mundane

The common, the repeated

Intakes of life

I was quivering with the desire

To set my feet, to be free

But I held back for just that one second

And the bus opened its doors.

Just Who Would I Have Been

I am a Gladiator

And I will kill you

I am a Gladiator

And I will show no mercy

As I stand in a ring

Surrounded by the masses

Expected to spill blood

And spill blood I must

To keep the mob at bay

To quench their thirst

To stay their power.

I am a Gladiator

And I will not hold back

I am a Gladiator

And I am victorious

For if I am not

My life will end

My heart will cease to beat

My body brought to its defeat.

I am a Gladiator

And a prisoner in chains

I am a Gladiator

And a slave

Captured and bought

For the entertainment of the people

To slaughter, massacre, kill

Without thought or emotion

With only strength to bring forth a conquest.

I am a Gladiator

And I fight with vigor

I am a Gladiator

And I kill with sorrow

For their blood is my blood

Their blood is my friend’s blood

Their blood is my family’s blood.

I am a Gladiator

And I regret my life every day

I am a Gladiator

And would sacrifice myself for you

My friends, my family,

My blood.

I am a Gladiator

And I am lost

I am a Gladiator

And wonder just who would I have been

If I stayed on the farm

Raised my family

Lived the life I was meant.

But

I am a Gladiator

And I will kill you

I am a Gladiator

And I am sorry.

If Only I Had the Nerve

The sun is setting

On our new found day

The earth is moving

In an unfamiliar way

The moon is pulling

Us where it may

And you exhale

With your dirty toes

And polluting lips.

The sun is gone

And all that remains is darkness

The earth has stopped

And all sense is gone

The moon is nothing

Without your face

To light our pathway.

Expectations

I exploded

Into millions of pieces

Billions of molecules

Trillions of atoms.

I shot out

With a blinding light

Into the place you call Space

Past stars, suns, and moons

I flew, forever.

I am the wind in your hair

The warmth on your face

The sparkle in your eye

The smile on your lips

The song in your ears

The love in your heart.

I am Everything

And Nothing.

I am sorry.

But It's Killing Me

The curtain falls

That blocks out all reasonable thought

And he crouches

His hair long, clothes worn

Face masked behind that war clay

He waits

With fear churning his heart.

His hand strengthens its grip

On the chewed spear

His breath quickens

Snap, a twig meets its end

A warning to what is coming

He rocks on the balls of his feet

Lips curled back

Snarling like an animal

He waits

With panic strangling his heart.

All his notions

All his civilized ideas

All his dreams

Die on the red rock

Die in the Grin

Die in the smoke.

The light

Dances green on his face

Piercing through the haze

Lighting the Darkness

From the Monsters.

He crouches under creepers

Afraid of turning into one them

Confirm their similarities.

He waits

With hope clutching his heart.

All We Know Is Falling

We sit there, alone

On the edge of the World.

We sit there, bracing

For the fall of the World.

Our feet dangle

Toes a darkened brown.

Our hands grip,

Knuckles white with tension.

Our necks crane,

Arching in a stiff angle

To get a better view

Of the place we dwell.

We lean further, further out

The bottom is so far, distant.

We try to see,

What’s hidden underneath,

The Water,

The World,

Us.

The grass and dirt and rock

That we’ve become

Inhabits us, roots us.

But the bottom,

The surging water, a breathing monster,

Leaves cascades and open rocks,

An empty table top.

The bottom swells,

Roaring at us, hissing wind

In our face.

It calls our name,

Its siren knows, personal.

We sit there, alone

In our own dense World.

We sit there, scared

In the wake of everything.

Day One

I'm looking for Julia's blog...hummmmmmm